Integration

I remember the hours that went by when I didn’t feel anything

I was only existing

And each hour was a choice to continue going on

Trusting that although I couldn’t see how anything would resolve

That it would

And I was cynical, so cynical, every hour

And the hours turned into days and the days into weeks

And the weeks into months of eating and sleeping and doing

But not being present in the moment

Not being present in passion

Not being present in hope

Only making it by and hiding within myself for protection

And I remember how you sustained me with manna

And you gifted me little sparks of what was to come

And I didn’t believe you because the numbness had become

So normal that there was no other way of being

And celebration could never exist in pain

And the end was never in sight

But you gifted me glimpses of affirmations

And companions who held my tears and walked with me

Hour by hour and day by day

And they listened as I processed the deep pain of living

And the deep pain that had become entrenched within me over the years

And the lies that had become my ways of existing

They held with me as the lies were brought to light

And I was so raw that it was clear that I was walking around naked

For months on end

And it was so uncomfortable

But it was okay because you kept gifting me glimpses

You kept saying “Trust, love.”

And some days I did and most days I didn’t and

I cried and it was hard and I kept going

And then one day I realized that I didn’t want to kill myself anymore

And I realized that I still didn’t have a purpose in life and

I still didn’t know how everything would resolved but

I remember that moment in October of 2012 when I first realized that

Maybe, just maybe, I was healing.

And I just want to say

Thank you Lord for all you’ve done for me.