Alpha and Omega and Emmanuel

You are Alpha and Omega and Emmanuel
The words too sweet for my soul to even grasp
For I have forgotten that you are before and you are after and you are now
And my love I have forgotten
But you are sweet to remind me in an unearned grace.

I was alone in a desert
Or I thought I was alone
I know not if you were there only that I thought that you weren't
And my spirit ached because you are all I ever want
But in wanting of you I searched elsewhere
For the water to satisfy my thirst
And came up with cups full of thistles and dry bones.

And I cried out to you for help
And then decided it was better to journey through the desert on my own
For I was angry at you for leaving me 
In the desert with my enemies
Where they sought me with fervor and strength
And I knew not what to do in the temptations and so
I turned away because it made sense 
To journey through the desert on my own. 

I see now how you called out to me
And whispered "Beloved" in my ear
But I was too deaf to your voice and
I continued stubbornly on and 
You and your Spirit were long-forgotten companions
In a world of pain and sorrow
Because I was convinced that you didn't see the pain and sorrow
And in my despair I didn't cry out like the saints of old
But instead allowed despair to seep into my bones forgetting
That you are Alpha and Omega and Emmanuel. 

Sweet love, you are so kind
For disciplining those you love.

Your words are harsh to me as I recognize how
I have grieved your Spirit and 
Made you out to be a liar and a fool
When it is I who is a liar and a fool
And My God, My God, I sit in the depravity of my soul
And wonder how you make beauty out of ashes
And weep at the wonder of mercy
And in turning I feel like a prodigal daughter
Who recognizes the goodness of what she left behind
Only to see Goodness running towards her
With arms open wide

My love, my love
You are Alpha and Omega and Emmanuel
Before I was and after I am you are
And we embrace and I weep and you frantically kiss my face
And call me "Beloved" 
And we weep and remember the time
You gifted butterflies in winter
And the time I trusted you with everything
And the time you whispered "Go"
And we are crying and smiling and I feel my soul once again being recalibrated to 
Your guiding heartbeat
And I know that grace is the sweetest gift that is. 

My love.

My love.

My love.