A bitter heart is a grieving heart, and my heart has been in the depths of grieving.
And I find myself now looking back, seeing how difficult it has been for others to sit with my bitter heart for months on end.
And now I find my spirit softening, opening up once more to fall in love again, to move and breathe and allow myself to connect with all that is around me.
I look into her eyes, hesitant to speak what I need to say. "I am so sorry." Tears fall down my face. "I see know how difficult it has been to companion me these last seven months, and I just want to thank you for sticking it out with me."
Tears fill her eyes as I continue on. "I don't really know what's been going on, but I just want you to know that I really do like it here, and I'm thankful. But it has been so, so hard." My head is bowed and I feel vulnerable in my truth.
When I look up all I see is grace. "It has been hard," she says with tear-filled eyes. "But I could see that you would make it through. And I can see that you are making it through."
And we cry and we cry and we cry and in that there's an unspoken acknowledgement that this is both the beauty and the pain of our lives--that in the mountains and in the valleys we show up fully alongside one another.
Because there Love is.
Because there God is.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Tango
I look up and you're gesturing to me from the front of the dance hall, standing next to all of the rest of the single men. I have coyly covered my blue wristband denoting my single status at this familial style Valentine's Day dance, but it didn't slip your eye. You gesture with a tilt of your head and I stare into your eyes with an inquisitive gaze and a bashful laugh. This is a time for the singles to dance together, and it is clear that I am being invited to the dance floor. I slyly stare at you from the table and take a steady breath, unsure if I want to step into the mystery ahead of me.
You see, Man, I've grown a lot in the past few years. I've learned that my Womanness is a gift, and that my Womanness is to be treated with honor, dignity, and respect. And I've experienced so many times where you, Man, have crossed those lines and chiseled me down to an object for your pleasure and power rather than an autonomous being with giftings and dreams and passions. So, Man, I am skeptical to dance with you, because I do not believe you to be capable to hold my giftings and Beauty with the Strength that is needed (to use gender socialized terms).
But I'm also learning, Man, that I don't need your approval, time, or doting to know that I am worthy of honor, dignity, and respect. I'm learning, Man, that my giftings, dreams, and passions need to be known by me, not bestowed on me from you. I'm learning, Man, that my Womanness can exist apart from you, in comparison to all that I've been taught by fairy tales, romance novels, and society at large. I'm learning, Man, that I idolized you and gave you too much of a stake in my heart.
And so as I stare at you, all this is running through my mind. You can't see any of it, only the sly smile on my face as I look at you from over my hand resting on my chin. You can't see my soul shivering, knowing that if I choose to dance with you that it is symbolic to me of a larger soul change. But I feel that it's time, and so I stand, allowing my Womanness to be fully present in the space. I am at peace with myself as I walk towards the front of the dance hall, burgundy lace dress and leather boots, smiling and shaking my head at you.
Standing in front of you I have a minor laughing fit because there are only two couples on the floor and one of them are you and I. But I pull myself together in time to first hear your name and then to introduce myself as we shake hands.
As the music begins I throw my arms around your tall neck and you link yours gently around my waist, and I allow myself to be in the dance.
We talk about the song (it's not in English and I don't know it), and you share about more events that this community puts on. You invite me to Chinese New Year and other events, and I share a bit about what brought me there that night. It's nice to be physically close to another human. It's nice to small talk into your ear and to accidentally graze cheeks, and to allow myself to trust you enough to hold me. My Womanness is still present, confident, sure.
As the song progresses, I find myself surprised at how this is going. There's mutual respect, dignity, and honor here, even as there is attraction. I find myself thankful for this moment. The song ends and I look into your eyes, take your hands in mine, squeeze them and gift a surprised and sincere "Thank you."
You ask if you can buy me a drink, and I laugh but decline. I see your gesture as an initiation, and I don't want to lead you on. You inquire once again, but again I decline, more firmly this time (even as my eyes are kind) and you ask, "You don't drink?" and I say "No, I don't." And I see in your eyes that you respect that, and you respect my Womanness and my "no" (even as I think you wanted to hear a "yes.")
Healing happens in relationship, and all at once I felt a space of healing within me. My "no" being respected, validated, cherished. Myself and my Womanness being respected, validated, cherished by Man and not chiseled down to an object for pleasure and power.
I walk back to my seat, smiling and shaking my head, feeling proven so incredibly wrong about my assumptions on how you would treat me.
Sweet man, thank you for that Valentine's Day dance.
Until next time.
-A
You see, Man, I've grown a lot in the past few years. I've learned that my Womanness is a gift, and that my Womanness is to be treated with honor, dignity, and respect. And I've experienced so many times where you, Man, have crossed those lines and chiseled me down to an object for your pleasure and power rather than an autonomous being with giftings and dreams and passions. So, Man, I am skeptical to dance with you, because I do not believe you to be capable to hold my giftings and Beauty with the Strength that is needed (to use gender socialized terms).
But I'm also learning, Man, that I don't need your approval, time, or doting to know that I am worthy of honor, dignity, and respect. I'm learning, Man, that my giftings, dreams, and passions need to be known by me, not bestowed on me from you. I'm learning, Man, that my Womanness can exist apart from you, in comparison to all that I've been taught by fairy tales, romance novels, and society at large. I'm learning, Man, that I idolized you and gave you too much of a stake in my heart.
And so as I stare at you, all this is running through my mind. You can't see any of it, only the sly smile on my face as I look at you from over my hand resting on my chin. You can't see my soul shivering, knowing that if I choose to dance with you that it is symbolic to me of a larger soul change. But I feel that it's time, and so I stand, allowing my Womanness to be fully present in the space. I am at peace with myself as I walk towards the front of the dance hall, burgundy lace dress and leather boots, smiling and shaking my head at you.
Standing in front of you I have a minor laughing fit because there are only two couples on the floor and one of them are you and I. But I pull myself together in time to first hear your name and then to introduce myself as we shake hands.
As the music begins I throw my arms around your tall neck and you link yours gently around my waist, and I allow myself to be in the dance.
We talk about the song (it's not in English and I don't know it), and you share about more events that this community puts on. You invite me to Chinese New Year and other events, and I share a bit about what brought me there that night. It's nice to be physically close to another human. It's nice to small talk into your ear and to accidentally graze cheeks, and to allow myself to trust you enough to hold me. My Womanness is still present, confident, sure.
As the song progresses, I find myself surprised at how this is going. There's mutual respect, dignity, and honor here, even as there is attraction. I find myself thankful for this moment. The song ends and I look into your eyes, take your hands in mine, squeeze them and gift a surprised and sincere "Thank you."
You ask if you can buy me a drink, and I laugh but decline. I see your gesture as an initiation, and I don't want to lead you on. You inquire once again, but again I decline, more firmly this time (even as my eyes are kind) and you ask, "You don't drink?" and I say "No, I don't." And I see in your eyes that you respect that, and you respect my Womanness and my "no" (even as I think you wanted to hear a "yes.")
Healing happens in relationship, and all at once I felt a space of healing within me. My "no" being respected, validated, cherished. Myself and my Womanness being respected, validated, cherished by Man and not chiseled down to an object for pleasure and power.
I walk back to my seat, smiling and shaking my head, feeling proven so incredibly wrong about my assumptions on how you would treat me.
Sweet man, thank you for that Valentine's Day dance.
Until next time.
-A
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