Heart Conditions

I want to be FIERCE. I want to be a courageous woman of God who fights for justice with compassion and love. I want to be bold, giving it all up in pursuit of Him, sowing seeds of love and healing the broken, being a light where there is none, helping people realize the beautiful creations that they are, and SO MUCH MORE. My heart is plagued with expectations that I’ve just recently began starting to uncover.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and angry at societal expectations, as it hinders people from love, acceptance, and embracing of full potential. Fear of rejection translates into complacency and then people don’t even TRY. Which is COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE in the given circumstances. So how can one break free of these expectations that hinder us from following our true desires?

I’m reading this book right now entitled “No More Christian Nice Girl” by Paul Coughlin & Jennifer D. Degler. I’m so thankful for Paul and Jennifer’s existence, and that they took the time, and thought that it was worth their time, to write this book. I know the title sounds so cheesy (I even laughed upon seeing it myself), but seven chapters in and it has been such a blessing.  In it, they are basically looking at “Christian Nice Girl” syndrome, and how it doesn’t reflect the Christ that Christians follow. It looks at the 360 degree Jesus—the one that is firm and gentle, strong and compassionate.

I’ve been really torn up recently about my place in God’s kingdom. Do I have any value in His kingdom as a woman? As a woman, I am complacent, meek, mild—what can I offer? Is fighting only for the men? Is fighting for justice and compassion something that is far beyond my abilities as a woman? HOW. SCREWED. UP. IS. THIS. THINGKING?! I mean really. I’ve been so frustrated and angry for the past two weeks feeling worthless when my heart desired BOLDNESS and EXPANSION, GROWTH and HEARTFELT COMPASSION. Why do I feel the need to deny my life of these things? Acting on these impulses, calling out the injustices of the world would bring light, not darkness, and yet I sit in cowardice, waiting, as if that’s what my Savior did (which He didn’t. He fought for every human on the earth, ACTIVELY, not PASSIVELY).

I’ve been told to be meek, mild, nice—because that’s what I’m supposed to be. I can’t do that.  MY SOUL CAN NOT SIT STILL. It wants to MOVE, to BREATHE, to EXPLORE. My soul wants ADVENTURE, to meet new people, to LAUGH, to GET SO PISSED OFF AT THE CONDITIONS OF THE WORLD, to FIGHT. Yes. You heard me. I want TO FIGHT. Human trafficking makes me angry. The way homosexuals are treated makes me angry. Neglecting the lower class makes me angry. ALL OF THESE THINGS MAKE ME ANGRY. BROKEN PEOPLE HURT MY SOUL. People who have been told that they are worthless are GOLD. They need to know this. Who is going to tell them?

This book has been such a blessing because it has shown me that God wants me to fight. He doesn’t want me to be meek and mild. Looking at the women of the Bible shows the boldness in their person. Ruth—BOLD. Deborah—SO BOLD. Mary—goodness, Mary. BOLD. They fought. They were strong. And they were WOMEN. I have a place in God’s kingdom after all. As a fighter. As a warrior princess. It’s going to be a process getting to a place where I feel strong enough to fight, but it is possible. 

This is the true condition of my heart on June 20, 2012. Welcome. Here you have seen the discoveries of late, the ruminations of my soul, and the anger at conditions of the world as is. I’m excited for a few opportunities on my horizon that I will blog about as I feel led. I’m feeling so inspired tonight, because I know that I am not alone. There are women who have been in my place before me and have persevered, and I will persevere. I’m feeling on FIRE, but the emphasizing caps lock really helps with that. If anything you read resounded in your soul, contact me. Let’s grab coffee this summer, or run through a sprinkler and talk. :)

In Him,

Amber