A Thesis on Sneezing

ACHOO!

The sound instantly alerts everyone in the near vicinity, heads turning quickly like vultures to an animal corpse.

“Bless you!” come the multiple replies.

“Thank you!”

Sneezing—what an interesting experience.  It’s one of those experiences that is universal, regardless of ethnicity, gender, or upbringing.  The response is universal, because all know the feeling. Everybody sneezes; it’s a fact of life.

One of my favorite things about sneezing is, much like laughing, the variety that takes place in this simple human experience. A baby sneezes, everyone around cries, “Oh!”, as if this sneeze was too much for this baby to handle (sometimes by the distraught look in their eyes after this happens, you’d think it was). A dog sneezes, the same. A first grader sneezes in the classroom; “BLESS YOU” is screamed from all corners of the room from their peers. Even adults acknowledge sneezing with a “Bless you,” even if it lacks sincerity sometimes.

Along with the wonderful results of sneezing, you have the actual sneezing itself. There’s the fake sneezes, usually from middle school girls, the ones that you can’t believe was actually a sneeze. “A-chie!!!!” Ma’am, I don’t care what you call that, there is no way that snot just blew out of your nose at 60mph…I just can’t believe that. Then you have the normal sneezes, the “ACHOO!”s, the ones where your head jerks forward and you fear hitting your head on the table in front of you. This sneeze is experienced by the majority of people, and can be considered your typical, ho-hum sneeze. Then…you have the sneezes like my dad sneezes, where he bends entirely in half and yells at the ground, “AHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!“

This is the best kind of sneeze. This is the kind of sneeze that makes elephants poop on the spot, that makes church services stop at an instant, the kind of sneeze where one can see the powerful force that a sneeze makes. Every time my dad sneezes, I laugh. It’s entertainment on demand, and it gets better EVERY SNEEZE. To my delight, I have inherited my father’s sneeze. It is WONDERFUL.

Sneezing—uncontrollable, no matter how hard one tries. What a gift sneezing is. The nose is tickled by unwelcome company and, impatient as the nose is, it projects the company across the Earth in the form of a sneeze. The nose really is a beautifully impatient instrument. In the presence of unwelcome company? The nose instantly sneezes. In the presence of an unpleasant smell? The nose instantly wrinkles. Smell chocolate chip cookies? The nose instantly, and greedily, expands.

I’ve always thought about sneezes—about how peculiar they are and their universality. I’ve always wondered what I look like when I sneeze. It is something you can never know since you can’t sneeze with your eyes open. About five years ago, I felt a sneeze coming on, and impulsively grabbed my camera. This is the wonderful picture that was taken on that day.  

Happy sneezing, friends.