I have not been able to write for almost thirty full days.
I’ve sat in a comatose-like state, staring blankly at walls,
at books, at my hands--wishing to express the pangs of my heart onto pages
to be shared with the masses. I’ve sat silently in my room, sobbed in my car,
ached so deeply (even though there have been smiles on my face for the entirety of this time.)
I’m so grateful for those who have listened to me during
this time. I’m grateful for those who have helped me work through reconciling
my new self (the self who spent her summer in the inner city) with old
environments at BGSU. Friends, to be honest, the work has yet to be completed.
And I’m starting to realize that it never will be completed in this lifetime.
There will always be some part of me that I’m holding back, some part of my
true self that I choose to keep concealed due to fear of rejection or
insecurities or ignorance.
* * *
As I’ve started to dive once again into educating myself on
the reality of human trafficking in the world, from first world to third world
countries, I find myself asking plenty of “Why” questions. Some days, I can’t
empathize at all with the traffickers to manipulate and take advantage of entire
families to work at a brick kiln for the trafficker’s own personal gain in
profit. Other days I feel like I have a better grasp on what power is and how
it affects not only traffickers, but myself as well. Some days I find myself
being so critical of what I complain and bicker about, recognizing that people
are going through tougher circumstances than what I perceive to be my tough
circumstances. Some days I lie awake at night, thinking of girls ages 12-13 who
have had nine customers or more that evening.
It is a roller coaster of emotions, grasping the reality of the world I live in.
* * *
As I left Akron this summer, I knew one thing to be true—I could
no longer remain silent. I can no longer live life as though all is perfect in the world and in America. Education has driven me to pursuit of what is everlasting, and that pursuit has led me to action. This boldness and courage goes against every grain in my being, yet I keep pushing forward, confident not in myself and my abilities, but solely in Love. That is a loaded statement that I'd be willing to unpack more in person, but not in this post.
* * *
Smiles have more weight, tears more compassion. Everything carries weight, every action I can choose sacrificial love or choose self. I sit next to a friend, listening to struggles based on race that I can't even perceive. I attend another event where injustices are greater unveiled, where people believe themselves to be undervalued because of society's perceptions and opinions.
Anger boils beneath my skin, although I can't tell if it's anger at the situations I'm in and what I'm learning, or anger at my own ignorance of injustices I aid in fueling.
* * *
With all of what I've learned this summer and the few weeks that I've been back, it's easy to get overwhelmed and not have a plan of action. This is one of the reasons that I am grateful to be Stop Traffick Fashion's Campus Representative. As my peers around me learn about the atrocity of human trafficking, they have a direct plan of action through STF to aid in being part of the solution globally. And I speak not only for my peers when I say that, but for myself.
* * *
There is so much more to say, but this is the core: I desire for all to know of their inherent worth and value that is not based on the opinions and passions of a people, but of the Eternal.
Final thoughts: May you be true to your convictions and live a life of integrity.
