I relate to God most as Creator. I don’t know why this is,
only that I, too, like to create—to make beauty, meaning, and form from what is
around me. I like to synthesize ideas, objects, and words into newness,
breathing life into the old in fresh and innovative ways. I see these
characteristics in God, a God who creates something out of nothing, the earth,
all of creation. I see these characteristics in a God who synthesizes our lives
with one another, creating story and form. I see these characteristics in a God
who crafts circumstances where Kingdom moments penetrate the dullness of the
day to day on earth—where a new order (an order founded on covenantal love) can
be seen as the law of the land.
Ever since I began listening to the voice of the Spirit and
yoking my dreams in submission to what I sense is the path of obedience, I’ve
experienced an intuition of “what is to come.” I can recall concrete times
where I experienced a knowing in the unknowing, and defying all logic pursued a
path that appeared entirely left field. It is due to this intuitive drive that
I’ve arrived where I am at today—working for a non-profit with an alignment
towards knowing the Kingdom of God on earth by creating space for unlikely
partnerships, living in a community house where we practice covenantal love and
the “one anothers,” and offering my skillsets and time towards the advancement
of movements of justice and shalom nationwide. I still remember the day where I
decided I would finish my degree but no longer pursue Film Production, the
letting go of that decaying dream feeling like the ultimate loss of control.
But through the process, God has shown me that though I may be led to walk off
cliffs (and onto a tight string held across the canyon), I am led just the
same. I can trust God’s leadership—the voice of the Spirit—in my life. God has
proven Godself to be consistent, and I have appreciated that.
This is why the last year of my life has been incredibly
disorienting on my spiritual journey. As I thought of the future, intuition led
me to doors and dreams that were bold and beautiful and I was convinced that I was being
led to open them. But imagine my confusion when upon approaching these doors, I
found them closed with no handle or key. I stayed in a state of denial for
months, staring at the closed doors, convinced that something must have been
communicated wrong. I was positive that I was Spirit-led here. But when I
finally was able to tell myself the truth “That door is actually closed,” I
turned to God in anger. I felt that God had betrayed our intimate trust by
leading me to a closed door. I felt like I couldn’t turn to God for consistency
in leadership. I began to ignore God completely because I felt so hurt.
It is hard to lead a life when you’re in an argument with
the one you love, and my spirit has felt so very numb in this last year because
of it. If I could not trust God to lead me, the One who is covenantal,
ever-faithful, and intimately present, whom could I trust? Humans cannot
compare—God is the only one I want. My thirst is deep for that intimate
communion. Apart from this communion I am nothing, (and I say this not in a
codependent way, although it may sound as such.) My days were spent in a haze,
kneading daily bread with my eyes empty and glazed over just trying to make it
by. Soon I realized that I needed to take action and work through this and stop
being a stubborn ox, or my soul would soon be in decay from bitterness.
And so I went to Hawai’i. Like Jacob, God and I would
wrestle this out. I was through with living in the empty haze, and through with
the hurt I felt at God. And so in Hawai’i while I was staying at the monastery
I opened up all the hurts turned into bitterness that I had been holding onto
for a year. And I walked the stations of the cross path at the monastery in the
mountains and wept and wailed for hours on end. And I yelled at God and said I
was angry and sad, and that God was mean. And I allowed myself to embody the deep
hurt that had no resolution but to be let go. And I begged for answers, for
direction, for guidance. And when I was finally done crying there was still no
resolution, no blessing from God like Jacob received, but just my whimpering
spirit that asked God to never lead me to love closed doors again. And that was
the end of it. The mountains stood witness to the moment, and I allowed the
land around me to speak bittersweet healing into my spirit.
That night was the lowest of lows, the night where I
realized that even as I had let go of the bitterness in order to reconcile with
God, that God had given no answers, no direction, and I still felt like I was
floundering under lack of confirmation of direction. I was at the end. But it’s
funny to me, how the end is sometimes the beginning. This is another mystical
paradox that I seem to experience, over and over again. The next day I awoke
and randomly attended a Young Adult Catholic Retreat where I received
surprising confirmation upon confirmation, and open doors and affirming words.
And as the next nine days passed by the confirmations only continued from
different communities of people in Hawai’i, all who love Jesus but whom don’t
know each other. There were confirmations from strangers at Starbucks, from strangers in
restaurants, from the strangest of places and always catching me off guard. Without
a doubt I knew that the Spirit was speaking through the Church and I laughed
with the bone-deep laughter of Sarah when God told her she would bear a child
at her old age. It was a laughter of acceptance, a laughter of peace. A laughter
that knew that I was being Spirit-led all along, I was just looking at the
wrong door.
I am in my room in Akron, spontaneously re-arranging my furniture
to empty floor space so I can make a day-bed. I am in a creative fervor, not
entirely conscious in the moment and yet hyper aware of all that is around me. I’m
grabbing blankets, pillows, visualizing what has yet to be seen. This is the
intuition of creativity, the synthesizing of things coming together. I roll the
blanket up, creating a makeshift pillow, and toss my $6 fish throw pillow on
top. Looking to my right, I spy my childhood quilt blanket, and sense that it
will contrast well with the arrows of the comforter so I toss it on top. I
straighten out the edges and know that the project is finished. Taking a step
back, I marvel at the creation. The pieces were scattered throughout my room,
and on their own make sense but together they make something beautiful.
It strikes me as funny, really. I’ve been discontent with my
room for months, knowing that it needed “something” but not knowing what
that “something” was. I thought around it for months, but nothing was rising to
the surface. Something I’ve learned is that you can’t force creativity.
Whenever things fall into place, things fall into place. I feel myself smiling,
looking at the day-bed. No longer is it about the day-bed, but it’s about
closed doors and bitterness and impatience and the last year of my spiritual
life. You can’t force doors to open. If they will open, they will open.
The script is not mine to write, the canvas not mine to
paint, and the dance not mine to choreograph: “Thy will be done.” And as much
as I’d stubbornly like to think I know the best story to tell, I am reminded
once again that the reality is that God is the Master Storyteller who has been
faithful in leading me all along (and doing it WAY longer than I have), synthesizing the different-patterned pieces
together as it best makes sense—not as it’s most convenient to my impatient, “now”-oriented
spirit.
I relate to God most as Creator. I don’t know why this is,
only that I, too, like to create—to make beauty, meaning, and form from what is
around me.
May Your story be told.
